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Friday, January 30, 2015

SCAN-XIETY

I have mentioned previously about the pains that I have been having (in my knees and hips mostly). Well, of course I mentioned it to my oncologist a few months ago. He wanted me to stop taking my Tamoxifen (the drug that is supposed to help prevent the cancer from coming back, as it blocks estrogen in my body, and my particular tumor loves estrogen). So, I was a bit apprehensive in stopping the drug that is supposed to help keep the cancer away (I envision Tamoxifen like a figurative shield. Picture me laying down the shield at my feet in front of a giant fire-breathing dragon (cancer). Soooo, apprehensive may be a bit of an understatement.
Regardless, I did as instructed. I stopped the Tamoxifen (for a few months) to see if the pains went away. No difference. So, I was sent for some blood testing to see if there was anything out of whack there. I was also tested to see if I was in menopause (the chemo often throws you into a temporary premature menopause, and it can be permanent). The doc was checking for menopause, because he thought that perhaps I had menopause-related arthritis. (SERIOUSLY...menopause AND arthritis), among other things. Fuck you very much cancer.
Turns out I am clearly pre-menopausal (take THAT cancer). But, that didn't explain the pain. So, more tests! I was sent for x-rays of my knees and hips, just to see if there was anything that they could see that might account for the pains. They saw something in my right sacro-iliac region (kind of where your lower back meets your hip). The radiologist that read my x-ray suggested that I get an MRI or a bone scan to check for metastasis.
M E T A S T A S I S. Let's just let that sit there for a minute...

Deep breaths... When I read the x-ray report I was terrified, but numb at the same time. I thought...how in the hell am I going to tell my friends and family that they are checking my bones to see if the cancer has spread. So, I didn't tell them. Not right away. My husband has been stressed lately (work stress that I won't go into here, on top of other family "stuff" - CAUSE THE WORLD DOESNT STOP SPINNING JUST BECAUSE I HAD CANCER. Boy, would I like it to slow down a bit sometimes though. I didn't want to cause him, or my Dad or my friends any more stress right now. I felt like, I could handle this. "I'VE GOT THIS". But, then after a few days I felt like I was doing myself a disservice not allowing them to be a support for me too! I told my Dad and hubby (but tried to glaze over it, like it was nothing). "It is probably just some old injury that I have had my whole life, or arthritis, or, or..." I'm not sure if they bought that or not.
Well, I had my bone scan while I was at work the other day. It's a 2 part test, where they inject you with radioactive stuff earlier in the day, and then you come back a few hours later and lie on a table perfectly still for an hour and get scanned. Pretty painless (unless you have issues with needles or tight spaces). I had not told my best friends about the scan, as I didn't want to worry them. One of my friends (that works at the hospital with me) saw me as I was coming back from the injection portion of the scan (and I had a bandage on my arm), she saw the bandage and asked me about it. BUSTED. I tried to blow it off, and said that I had a test...and she kept probing. So, I spilled the beans. Then I showed her the report from my x-ray. And...she Googled. I warned her not to Google, but she didn't listen. Then, she came back to my office in tears. Damn it, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell anyone! I hate to see the people that I care about affected by all of this shit! It's bad enough that I have to deal with all of this, it's just not fair that those that I love are hurting by this whole thing. To top it off, it was my friends birthday the next day (and I certainly didn't want to spoil it with my crap). Well, the cat was out of the bag now so, as she said... "it was either going to be a good birthday (and another reason to celebrate) or the news was going to be the worst birthday present ever" (we had a good laugh over that for a few minutes...shows you how warped our sense of humor is).
The next day I arrived early to work so that I could get my results. "no evidence of metastatic disease" is what the report said (that, and I have some degenerative stuff happening in other joints in my body, arthritis really), but IT WAS NOT METASTISIS.
I called my hubby, my Dad and let them know (you know, after I had a good cry at my desk). I sent my friend a message that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" (and included a copy of my bone scan report). She replied "BEST PRESENT EVER".