The Good:
Since we last talked, I attended the Pink Party. I mentioned the Pink Party in a previous post. Basically, it's a Girls Night Out in order to benefit local breast cancer research, assistance for patients in the area, etc. The city where I live gets really festive! People go "all out" in their pink costumes/outfits. Although I have gone to the Pink Party every year with my friends, this year, the pink party meant so much more to me. I don't know if I will be able to convey the emotions I felt that day, how profound everything felt to me, or the energy and support in the air. My friend Joanie made a collage, and I think it sums things up pretty well.
"...excruciatingly sweet, unbearably precious. That's how life is, heaven and hell.
THIS collage picture is the best way I can describe the moment (thank you Todd ♥):
• Angela fighting through the routine, trying not to lose it/cry. Then her "I kicked A$$" smile at the end.
• Seeing my other Bestie, Suzanne, crying "the ugly cry" Others looking on with tears running down their faces.
... •Ang's little girls, Kendal and Zoe, looking to me for the next move, eyes wide, tender, so open, earnest and sweet. Their little girl arms in the "make a muscle" pose **"....fighter!!"**
•I am smiling and making goofy faces at them. My brain: *gotta keep it together*cry later *concentrate* what is the next move again??? *look! Ang is smiling for real!*we are gonna get thru this*
3 more chemo treatments, then Ang can recover. She's is not the same person. She is stronger.
FUBC!!
I think my Bestie is pretty amazing."
My friend Joanie has made up a flash mob for the past few years to spontaneously perform during the festivities. This year, she dedicated the flash mob to me. She asked me to choose a song, and I had heard the Christina Aguilera song "Fighter" on the radio prior to her asking me which song I would like for the flash mob. The song really struck a chord (ha!) with me...(brought me to tears actually). So, that was the first one that came to mind. Joanie made up the choreography, put it on youtube, practiced it in her Zumba classes. I went to watch the choreography a few weeks prior to the Pink Party, so that I could learn it. I got up in my living room, trying to follow along with her moves, while listening to the lyrics...and lost. it. I didn't know if I could do it. I thought, I HAVE to at least perform SOME of the song, I mean, she is doing this for ME. But I didn't want to turn into a blubbering mess in front of everyone either. I tried to watch and listen to the video a few times to see if I could muster up the strength to get through it without crying...nope. Joanie came over a couple days before the flash mob and asked the girlies (my 2 little girls), if they wanted to learn it. They did! She did it with them twice, and they were so stinkin cute! (Almost made me cry like an idiot though). Phew...this was going to be tough! I figured if I came in toward the end, that would probably be best (as I didn't think I had the strength to do the entire flash mob, and still be able to enjoy the rest of the Pink Party). Here is the flash mob: (you may have to click on the link below the pic)
In the video, you can see Joanie calling over my 2 little girls, and them joining her to do the dance. I and many other people watching cried as they watched. I think Suzy and I cried the hardest (you can see us in the video, standing off to the side, holding each other and crying). Watching one of my best friends, and my 2 little girls (who are fighting this battle right along with me!), and many people I care about (and some I don't even know!), dance, and look over at me as if they were doing it for me too (or someone else that they know/knew who had fought this same battle that I was currently going through)...it was more than I could take, sooooo touching. Joanie then called me over to join in the dance, and I wasn't sure if I could do it. You can hear the crowd begin to cheer when I walked out there. Phew, it was beautiful. I barely held it together out there, but I was so happy that I joined in. It was a moment I will always remember.
Walking around the Pink Party with my bald head, and having people stop me and tell me they were praying for me, or to wish me luck - and my little girls seeing all of the support I was getting from the people in this community...such a good feeling.
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| My girlies and I at the Pink Party |
More good:
About a month ago, I was waiting at the end of the day for pick-up at the front doors of my daughters' school (with the other parents), and among the mad rush of all the kids being released from their classrooms, a little boy (about age 7, I would guess?) caught my eye (or I should say I caught his eye). He smiled at me from about 50 feet away, walked a bit closer, and said "Hi!". I said hi in response. He walked right up to me (smiling the whole time), and said right to me "Beat the cancer!" I smiled and said thank you, I will!...and he continued smiling as he walked away. I regret not following that boy and telling his parents what a sweet boy they had (although I have a feeling they already knew). I get choked up thinking about that sweet boy even now. I wonder what his story was. Did cancer touch his little life already (maybe his Mom had cancer...)?
More good:
I made the front page of the local paper because of the Pink Party (a lousy pic of me, but still nice regardless). That is Diana that I am hugging (one of the head honchos at the Pink Party and also a breast cancer survivor), my friend Patty right behind me, and you can see the tops of my 2 little girls' heads there at the bottom. Here's the pic:
The next day, Adam (hubby) went to go buy a few of the papers at the local gas station. The guy behind the counter asked him why he was buying so many papers. He said because my wife is on the cover. The guy said, "which one?", Adam said "the bald one right here" and he pointed me out. The guys behind the counter wished me well. There was a lady behind my husband in line that day, and she overheard his conversation with the guy behind the counter. She said "hey, turn around", so hubby did. She said "I am going to hug you now", and then she did, and said "Give that to your wife for me, and tell her I'll be praying for her".
Adam came back to the car and told me what had happened. I had him wait so that I could see which lady had been so kind. Adam pointed her out a few minutes later when she walked out. I rolled down the window in the car and yelled to her "Hey, turn around!", and she did. I said "thanks", and she came over to me, leaned in the window gave me a big hug and a kiss on my cheek and told me that she would be praying for me. I thanked her again, and as I welled up with tears, we drove away.People are GOOD.
The Bad:
I haven't make a post in a while, as I haven't been feeling all that great. The last treatment (last Friday) hit me pretty hard. I usually start to feel better by the next Thursday, and great by Friday. Not this time, I felt worn down and flu-like the whole week, and then got another treatment yesterday. I am hoping I can hang in there for the next couple of weeks, as I only have 1 more treatment left!! That's right, NEXT FRIDAY IS MY LAST TREATMENT! Wow, that doesn't seem possible. This whole chemo thing has almost gotten to be a way of life for me now (sad, actually). I can't wait to get back to looking forward to Fridays again.
The plan after chemo (as far as this cancer stuff goes): I will still need to be getting infusions (in the form of an IV, using my chest port) every 3 weeks. The med I will be getting is called Herceptin. It is still technically a kind of chemo, but doesn't have some of the nasty side-effects of the ones I have been getting. Herceptin has risks, of course (mostly for my heart) and they will be monitoring me for that. I will be getting Herceptin infusions for a year. I plan to schedule my infusions on Thursdays, so that I can go directly after work (and not have to come in on Fridays anymore). Whooo Hooooo! After my year of Herceptin, (and as long as nothing else suspicious pops up/re-occurrence *shudders*), I will have surgery to remove my chest port.
I will also be starting a drug called Tamoxifen (because my cancer was Estrogen receptive), Tamoxifen is an Estrogen blocker (of sorts). It has its own side effects (mostly-menopause-like stuff). It comes in pill form, that I'll be taking daily.
The Ugly:
When you have cancer, other "lifey" stuff happens too. The world doesn't stop turning, just because things are more complicated for me these days. For instance, my oldest daughter broke her arm (rollerskating) last month. That has made things more complicated for the past month or so. Taking her to doctors appointments, helping her out more (as it was her right arm, and she is right handed), etc. - and Mama gets tired! Luckily my daughter had an awesome teacher that helped her out quite a bit at the end of the school year as well (she would dictate some assignments to her at school, and she was very understanding with what was going on at home with me, etc.) I have felt like such a slacker Mom this year! Thanks Mrs. Nelson! A shout out to Mrs.Van Blaricum too!, as I am sure I must have been slacking with my involvement in my other daughter's class as well.
Most-recently, my Dad was in a car accident (someone ran a red light and hit him). He totalled his car, had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, and I got the dreaded call from my hubby, as I was walking out of work this past Wednesday. He is FINE. But, at the time, all I knew as I walked out of work was that he said he couldn't move, and he was bleeding, and his car was totalled. Luckily, he was just in shock at the scene of the accident. He was a bit bruised and sore afterwards, but luckily - going to be fine. I was pretty shaken up on my way to my car on Wednesday, driving from my work straight to the hospital, not knowing if he was going to be OK. I picked him up, and took him home with me for the night so I could keep an eye on him. I took the day off of work the next day as well, and drove him to get a rental car. The following day - back to chemo!
Speaking of "ugly"...I wanted to mention something, as I am trying to be honest about this WHOLE cancer experience for you all. About a month ago, I was at my daughter's school for some function or another. A little girl spotted me, and turned to another kid and said "Ewww, that lady is ugly". Well, my youngest daughter overheard her. One of my daughter's friends defended me to her, saying that I had cancer (sweet of her to do that). But, I'm sure it was tough for my daughter to hear. Now, I wouldn't exactly call myself "ugly". But, I do realize that I look "odd", especially to a child. I usually get a kick out of the jaw-dropping or wide-eyed expressions of kids when they first catch a glimpse of me and my bald head. Kids are a trip! They are so honest, and don't understand the "politically correct" thing to do in situations. They are not afraid to call it like they see it, and I generally like that in people. I get a giggle when I am in a social setting, and there is a family with little kids (usually the kids around 2-4 years old are the best!), where the kids see me and yell loudly to their parents "HEY, THAT LADY DOESN'T HAVE ANY HAIR!" (they sometimes repeat this many times over)...to which the mortified parents try to shush the kids or swiftly escort them out of earshot, practically running away. This happened again to me yesterday in fact (in Target). But, before they kid got rushed away, I said to the parents "It's OK, I get that all the time", and then said to the kid "You're right, I don't have any hair...looks kinda silly huh?" and smiled. The kid nodded at me in agreement - and I walked away. That is an almost every day occurrence for me now (people looking at me strangely, staring, or the sad faces). I am pretty numb to it now. But sometimes, it does sting a bit. When kids of friends or family members are afraid of me...ouch. I remember fondly the days when I could walk by people almost being invisible, or when I turned heads because maybe I was looking pretty cute that day (or at least I thought I was ;) Vanity is a distant memory for me now. There are days that I really don't get a good look at myself in a mirror at all. I try to avoid mirrors actually. Sometimes, when I catch a glimpse - I don't even recognize myself. (I am NOT fishing for compliments here, people - really.) I get people who say I look good bald. Sure, for a bald woman, I am HOT! LOL. I don't so much buy it. OK, when I put some effort into it, I can look acceptable. But, certainly not like a "regular" person. I hear "You look good" (meaning "You look better than I thought you would look"). I look pretty good (for someone with cancer!). I am not pale (on most days), in fact - I have a blushed-like appearance for a couple of reasons. The steroids get my face flushed, my face has a rash of some sort on it from the chemo meds, I have hot flashes quite often too (as chemo has me in a menopause-like state). So, yeah - not pale. Plus, I have not lost weight on chemo , in fact I have gained a few - thanks steroids! I think many people have the impression that I would be skinnier/unhealthy looking, so when they see me and I look like I have color in my cheeks, and am not gaunt - they are pleasantly surprised. Hell, I guess I'll take it!
My hair is starting to grow a bit (verrrrrrrrrry slow, mind you). It is getting fuzzy on top, but really thin. I'll try to remember to take pictures of the hair growth as I go along. Here it was last week:
I've lost the majority of my eyelashes and eyebrows too, certainly making me look more like a "cancer patient", especially when I am not wearing makeup. Putting on mascara is laughable. I tried to draw on eyebrows, but that was not fun. I posted this on facebook:
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| How I feel when I try to draw on eyebrows^ |
