Today is exactly one year from when I had that gynecologist appointment (finally!), to check out a lump in my breast that I had been delaying getting checked out for quite some time. Denial sucks people!! - if you have a feeling something is wrong with you, if you have a lump, a sore that won't heal, a mole that has changed, or other symptoms that something isn't right with your body - TRUST YOUR GUT and don't wait to get it checked out!! *Steps slowly down from her soapbox :)
It seems fitting that today is also Thanksgiving. This year has been full of ups and downs (OK, mostly downs - but who's counting!?!). Although I am not done with "treatment", as I still go for infusions until May of next year...it's not all in my past yet. I can reflect on this past year as probably the worst time of my life actually - but you know what, I'm not going to do that. I am going to take this time to be thankful. Because, I am.
First off, I am thankful to have yet another day in which I woke up on this side of the grass.
I AM ALIVE. This one's a biggie. As I started this journey a year ago, I wasn't sure if I'd be here right now (some of you probably wondered as well - it's OK to admit it). Well, crap. Now I am crying... It's OK though, because I am HERE, feeling those feelings. I am not sure if I am comfortable with the label "survivor" just yet.
I am thankful for my family, who has had to see me going through all of this awfulness this past year. They have been there to help me physically and emotionally in more specific ways than I can even mention. This is not a journey that any of us asked for, but they have stepped up to be pretty damned stellar. Adam, when you eventually read this, know that I appreciate all that you have done to pick up the slack when I was feeling at my worst. To know that I always have you in my corner, and that I can depend on you to help with the girls (even when I was trying to be "Super Cancer Mom") has made this past year easier on me. We make a pretty awesome team.
I am thankful to have some of the best friends out there. You have truly made all of this much more tolerable. From staying over night with me after surgery, emptying drains, setting up the care page, bringing meals, having a benefit!, offering to take the girls, offering support to me and my family - I can't thank you enough. To my "breast friends" too! (those gals that have been there, done that - and offered advice, lent an ear (or Facebook message ;), you gals have helped me more than you know. To my Facebook friends & family, I mention you specifically because you have been a huge support to me over the past year, posting things on my page, sending private messages. Facebook can get a bad wrap sometimes, but it also does so much good for folks as well. You have all been like a giant support group for me, and I thank you.
For the random people that I have encountered this past year when I was going through the worst of the chemo. Those people who offered me a smile when I needed one, who stopped me to tell me of their own or a loved one's survival story, who told me I was beautiful (liars all of you! LOL), strangers who offered me encouragement or asked me how I was feeling, and those who have taken time out of their day to think of me, pray for me and my family - I thank you.
For those of you reading this blog right now, whether I know you or not - you have been a part of this journey too, and I thank you, because you care enough to want to know what's going on with me, regardless of the reason. For those that have shared my blog with others, thanks for that. Knowing that my blog might help someone else in this journey makes my heart smile.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
For my birthday, I'm getting a brand-spanking new pair of...
BOOBS.
Yes, yes I am. I have my "exchange" surgery scheduled for this Monday (Sept. 16th). My birthday is actually Sept 17th - so, I guess we are celebrating a day early ;).
Since I haven't updated you all in a while, and I don't expect all of you to remember what "step" in the process I am at right now, I will refresh your memory... I currently have what are called "expanders" in my chest, that only slightly resemble breasts. The expanders had been originally placed when I had my double mastectomy (back in January - can you believe it was THAT long ago already?!?), and were placed under the muscle in my chest (and filled with about 100 CC's of saline at the time, so I didn't wake up completely flat). I had to wait to heal from the mastectomy and then had been undergoing the "filling" process every week to 2 weeks, where I would go into the plastic surgery office and they would inject between 50 to 100 CC's more saline into my expanders every visit (depending on my tolerance). I did this for a few months, filling the "expanders" until I got to the size I wanted (or until my skin yelled "no more!!"). Once the expanders got to the desired size (or until I cried Uncle from the pain), I stopped with the "fills" (which was back in June). I had to wait a few months (for the expanders to "settle"?), and then had my "exchange" surgery scheduled. The exchange surgery is where they... well, EXCHANGE my expanders for the "permanent" implants. I put "permanent" in quotes, as they estimate the implants last around 10 years or so, so I would be trading these babies in for a new pair in approx. 10 years(ish). That, pretty much brings you up to speed with the surgery that is scheduled for this Monday.
The next step would be waiting another few months for me to heal and then doing another part of the reconstruction process, where they do a fat transfer (take some fat from somewhere else in my body), and inject it into the chest area to fill out the areas that would have normally had fat to make them more realistic looking. Plus, they do the nipple reconstruction at that time. I would have to then heal from that surgery and, if I want, get a tattoo in order to make the nipple have color.
So...what else can I tell you...
I have been done with the nasty chemo for a couple of months now. I have been corrected by my cardiologist when I said that I was DONE with chemo. She says that the infusions of Herceptin (that I continue to get every 3 weeks until May of next year) are still considered chemo. Phooey, I say! I was so proud to be able to say that I was done with chemo. Whatever, I am still saying that I am done with chemo. It's all semantics anyways. Technically, Herceptin is a Bio-therapy (but still is made up of chemicals, per se), so I say...WE'RE BOTH RIGHT! :)
Speaking of chemo...I had a minor hiccup with my heart that was picked up with a routine echocardiogram (echo). It looks like there is a slight issue with one of my valves, that could be related to a "bundle branch block", and they had noticed some fluid around my heart as well. After a few tests, and monitoring, it looks like my heart is functioning well though (well enough so that they don't have to stop my Herceptin infusions). They are not positive that the issues with my heart were caused by (or exacerbated by) the chemo, but it is possible. My last check up with the cardiologist came back A-OK, so that is good news (although they will continue to monitor stuff). My blood pressure is normally a bit low, so they recommended me getting more salt in my diet and drinking more fluids (wine totally counts right?!?) ;)
My hair is starting to come in quite a bit now (at least that is what people keep telling me!) I still look like a bald chick, mind you - but it's coming along. My friend Suzy said, "you were at that fuzzy chick stage, and pretty soon you're going to get your big girl feathers!" She also was the one to say that I am starting to look less like a cancer patient and now, and we are starting to look more like a lesbian couple. Awesome. Honestly, I'll be happy when I get to the point where people are giving me looks, questioning my sexuality and not giving me looks of terror or pity because I look sick. Bring it.
I had a photo shoot with a local photographer a couple of weeks ago - Karen Luce. She published a book called "Pink Portraits". A book that tells the story of some local breast cancer survivors. Here is how Karen (the photographer) describes the book: "13 amazing breast cancer warriors and survivors - share their stories of laughter, tears and courage. A portion of the proceeds go to breast cancer supportive care and research. Available at http://www.KarenLuceCreative.com/ "
Here is a link to the Pink Portraits Facebook page as well: https://www.facebook.com/PinkPortraits
Karen had asked for nominations (of breast cancer survivors) for her next possible project, and I had been nominated by my friends Joanie and Becky. I won, and got a photography session with Karen! Here is one of the pics from that photo shoot:
Another pic that she posted, included my girls and I:
Karen and I met for dinner about a month(ish) ago, so that she could get a little of my story as well. I directed her to this blog too (So, if you're reading Karen - HI!!) :)
When I met with Karen, she asked me if I had any requests for the kind of photos that I wanted. I told her that I had a couple of ideas. (I have an interest in photography myself, and I can invision a few pics that I think would be cool, had I not been the subject of the photos, and maybe I was taking the pic myself). It's on my bucket list to get to know my camera better, and get more into photography. I just love the way a photograph can be powerful, emotional, beautiful - sometimes all at the same time.
I told Karen that I really wanted to have a pic with my girls and I. They are getting older every day, I am starting to look less and less like a cancer patient. I wanted to capture this moment in time. Not that I plan on framing and putting the pic on the wall (although I think the 2 pics she posted are magnificent - I can't wait to see the rest!), I don't know if having the pic as a constant reminder in my home is something I want. Who knows, maybe because it's all still so raw for me...I could totally change my tune a few months from now.
After the photo session was done, I hung around the park area with my girls, and we took a few more pics with my phone. Here is one I had my daughter take:
Another that I took of my girls:
I love how hazy and dream-like these 2 photos turned out. (If you look really close, you can see bandaids on both of my daughters knees too... I love the dichotomy (paired with how lady-like she does her curtsy) and it makes me love this pic even more.
Yes, yes I am. I have my "exchange" surgery scheduled for this Monday (Sept. 16th). My birthday is actually Sept 17th - so, I guess we are celebrating a day early ;).
Since I haven't updated you all in a while, and I don't expect all of you to remember what "step" in the process I am at right now, I will refresh your memory... I currently have what are called "expanders" in my chest, that only slightly resemble breasts. The expanders had been originally placed when I had my double mastectomy (back in January - can you believe it was THAT long ago already?!?), and were placed under the muscle in my chest (and filled with about 100 CC's of saline at the time, so I didn't wake up completely flat). I had to wait to heal from the mastectomy and then had been undergoing the "filling" process every week to 2 weeks, where I would go into the plastic surgery office and they would inject between 50 to 100 CC's more saline into my expanders every visit (depending on my tolerance). I did this for a few months, filling the "expanders" until I got to the size I wanted (or until my skin yelled "no more!!"). Once the expanders got to the desired size (or until I cried Uncle from the pain), I stopped with the "fills" (which was back in June). I had to wait a few months (for the expanders to "settle"?), and then had my "exchange" surgery scheduled. The exchange surgery is where they... well, EXCHANGE my expanders for the "permanent" implants. I put "permanent" in quotes, as they estimate the implants last around 10 years or so, so I would be trading these babies in for a new pair in approx. 10 years(ish). That, pretty much brings you up to speed with the surgery that is scheduled for this Monday.
The next step would be waiting another few months for me to heal and then doing another part of the reconstruction process, where they do a fat transfer (take some fat from somewhere else in my body), and inject it into the chest area to fill out the areas that would have normally had fat to make them more realistic looking. Plus, they do the nipple reconstruction at that time. I would have to then heal from that surgery and, if I want, get a tattoo in order to make the nipple have color.
So...what else can I tell you...
I have been done with the nasty chemo for a couple of months now. I have been corrected by my cardiologist when I said that I was DONE with chemo. She says that the infusions of Herceptin (that I continue to get every 3 weeks until May of next year) are still considered chemo. Phooey, I say! I was so proud to be able to say that I was done with chemo. Whatever, I am still saying that I am done with chemo. It's all semantics anyways. Technically, Herceptin is a Bio-therapy (but still is made up of chemicals, per se), so I say...WE'RE BOTH RIGHT! :)
Speaking of chemo...I had a minor hiccup with my heart that was picked up with a routine echocardiogram (echo). It looks like there is a slight issue with one of my valves, that could be related to a "bundle branch block", and they had noticed some fluid around my heart as well. After a few tests, and monitoring, it looks like my heart is functioning well though (well enough so that they don't have to stop my Herceptin infusions). They are not positive that the issues with my heart were caused by (or exacerbated by) the chemo, but it is possible. My last check up with the cardiologist came back A-OK, so that is good news (although they will continue to monitor stuff). My blood pressure is normally a bit low, so they recommended me getting more salt in my diet and drinking more fluids (wine totally counts right?!?) ;)
My hair is starting to come in quite a bit now (at least that is what people keep telling me!) I still look like a bald chick, mind you - but it's coming along. My friend Suzy said, "you were at that fuzzy chick stage, and pretty soon you're going to get your big girl feathers!" She also was the one to say that I am starting to look less like a cancer patient and now, and we are starting to look more like a lesbian couple. Awesome. Honestly, I'll be happy when I get to the point where people are giving me looks, questioning my sexuality and not giving me looks of terror or pity because I look sick. Bring it.
I had a photo shoot with a local photographer a couple of weeks ago - Karen Luce. She published a book called "Pink Portraits". A book that tells the story of some local breast cancer survivors. Here is how Karen (the photographer) describes the book: "13 amazing breast cancer warriors and survivors - share their stories of laughter, tears and courage. A portion of the proceeds go to breast cancer supportive care and research. Available at http://www.KarenLuceCreative.com/ "
Here is a link to the Pink Portraits Facebook page as well: https://www.facebook.com/PinkPortraits
Karen had asked for nominations (of breast cancer survivors) for her next possible project, and I had been nominated by my friends Joanie and Becky. I won, and got a photography session with Karen! Here is one of the pics from that photo shoot:
Another pic that she posted, included my girls and I:
Karen and I met for dinner about a month(ish) ago, so that she could get a little of my story as well. I directed her to this blog too (So, if you're reading Karen - HI!!) :)
When I met with Karen, she asked me if I had any requests for the kind of photos that I wanted. I told her that I had a couple of ideas. (I have an interest in photography myself, and I can invision a few pics that I think would be cool, had I not been the subject of the photos, and maybe I was taking the pic myself). It's on my bucket list to get to know my camera better, and get more into photography. I just love the way a photograph can be powerful, emotional, beautiful - sometimes all at the same time.
I told Karen that I really wanted to have a pic with my girls and I. They are getting older every day, I am starting to look less and less like a cancer patient. I wanted to capture this moment in time. Not that I plan on framing and putting the pic on the wall (although I think the 2 pics she posted are magnificent - I can't wait to see the rest!), I don't know if having the pic as a constant reminder in my home is something I want. Who knows, maybe because it's all still so raw for me...I could totally change my tune a few months from now.
After the photo session was done, I hung around the park area with my girls, and we took a few more pics with my phone. Here is one I had my daughter take:
Another that I took of my girls:
I love how hazy and dream-like these 2 photos turned out. (If you look really close, you can see bandaids on both of my daughters knees too... I love the dichotomy (paired with how lady-like she does her curtsy) and it makes me love this pic even more.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
The good...the bad...the ugly.
I haven't made a post in a while, I realize that. More on that in a bit (refer to "The Bad", below).
The Good:
Since we last talked, I attended the Pink Party. I mentioned the Pink Party in a previous post. Basically, it's a Girls Night Out in order to benefit local breast cancer research, assistance for patients in the area, etc. The city where I live gets really festive! People go "all out" in their pink costumes/outfits. Although I have gone to the Pink Party every year with my friends, this year, the pink party meant so much more to me. I don't know if I will be able to convey the emotions I felt that day, how profound everything felt to me, or the energy and support in the air. My friend Joanie made a collage, and I think it sums things up pretty well.
This is the caption she made for the pic:
"...excruciatingly sweet, unbearably precious. That's how life is, heaven and hell.
THIS collage picture is the best way I can describe the moment (thank you Todd ♥):
• Angela fighting through the routine, trying not to lose it/cry. Then her "I kicked A$$" smile at the end.
• Seeing my other Bestie, Suzanne, crying "the ugly cry" Others looking on with tears running down their faces.
... •Ang's little girls, Kendal and Zoe, looking to me for the next move, eyes wide, tender, so open, earnest and sweet. Their little girl arms in the "make a muscle" pose **"....fighter!!"**
•I am smiling and making goofy faces at them. My brain: *gotta keep it together*cry later *concentrate* what is the next move again??? *look! Ang is smiling for real!*we are gonna get thru this*
3 more chemo treatments, then Ang can recover. She's is not the same person. She is stronger.
FUBC!!
I think my Bestie is pretty amazing."
My friend Joanie has made up a flash mob for the past few years to spontaneously perform during the festivities. This year, she dedicated the flash mob to me. She asked me to choose a song, and I had heard the Christina Aguilera song "Fighter" on the radio prior to her asking me which song I would like for the flash mob. The song really struck a chord (ha!) with me...(brought me to tears actually). So, that was the first one that came to mind. Joanie made up the choreography, put it on youtube, practiced it in her Zumba classes. I went to watch the choreography a few weeks prior to the Pink Party, so that I could learn it. I got up in my living room, trying to follow along with her moves, while listening to the lyrics...and lost. it. I didn't know if I could do it. I thought, I HAVE to at least perform SOME of the song, I mean, she is doing this for ME. But I didn't want to turn into a blubbering mess in front of everyone either. I tried to watch and listen to the video a few times to see if I could muster up the strength to get through it without crying...nope. Joanie came over a couple days before the flash mob and asked the girlies (my 2 little girls), if they wanted to learn it. They did! She did it with them twice, and they were so stinkin cute! (Almost made me cry like an idiot though). Phew...this was going to be tough! I figured if I came in toward the end, that would probably be best (as I didn't think I had the strength to do the entire flash mob, and still be able to enjoy the rest of the Pink Party). Here is the flash mob: (you may have to click on the link below the pic)
People are GOOD.
The Bad:
I haven't make a post in a while, as I haven't been feeling all that great. The last treatment (last Friday) hit me pretty hard. I usually start to feel better by the next Thursday, and great by Friday. Not this time, I felt worn down and flu-like the whole week, and then got another treatment yesterday. I am hoping I can hang in there for the next couple of weeks, as I only have 1 more treatment left!! That's right, NEXT FRIDAY IS MY LAST TREATMENT! Wow, that doesn't seem possible. This whole chemo thing has almost gotten to be a way of life for me now (sad, actually). I can't wait to get back to looking forward to Fridays again.
The plan after chemo (as far as this cancer stuff goes): I will still need to be getting infusions (in the form of an IV, using my chest port) every 3 weeks. The med I will be getting is called Herceptin. It is still technically a kind of chemo, but doesn't have some of the nasty side-effects of the ones I have been getting. Herceptin has risks, of course (mostly for my heart) and they will be monitoring me for that. I will be getting Herceptin infusions for a year. I plan to schedule my infusions on Thursdays, so that I can go directly after work (and not have to come in on Fridays anymore). Whooo Hooooo! After my year of Herceptin, (and as long as nothing else suspicious pops up/re-occurrence *shudders*), I will have surgery to remove my chest port.
I will also be starting a drug called Tamoxifen (because my cancer was Estrogen receptive), Tamoxifen is an Estrogen blocker (of sorts). It has its own side effects (mostly-menopause-like stuff). It comes in pill form, that I'll be taking daily.
The Ugly:
When you have cancer, other "lifey" stuff happens too. The world doesn't stop turning, just because things are more complicated for me these days. For instance, my oldest daughter broke her arm (rollerskating) last month. That has made things more complicated for the past month or so. Taking her to doctors appointments, helping her out more (as it was her right arm, and she is right handed), etc. - and Mama gets tired! Luckily my daughter had an awesome teacher that helped her out quite a bit at the end of the school year as well (she would dictate some assignments to her at school, and she was very understanding with what was going on at home with me, etc.) I have felt like such a slacker Mom this year! Thanks Mrs. Nelson! A shout out to Mrs.Van Blaricum too!, as I am sure I must have been slacking with my involvement in my other daughter's class as well.
Most-recently, my Dad was in a car accident (someone ran a red light and hit him). He totalled his car, had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, and I got the dreaded call from my hubby, as I was walking out of work this past Wednesday. He is FINE. But, at the time, all I knew as I walked out of work was that he said he couldn't move, and he was bleeding, and his car was totalled. Luckily, he was just in shock at the scene of the accident. He was a bit bruised and sore afterwards, but luckily - going to be fine. I was pretty shaken up on my way to my car on Wednesday, driving from my work straight to the hospital, not knowing if he was going to be OK. I picked him up, and took him home with me for the night so I could keep an eye on him. I took the day off of work the next day as well, and drove him to get a rental car. The following day - back to chemo!
Speaking of "ugly"...I wanted to mention something, as I am trying to be honest about this WHOLE cancer experience for you all. About a month ago, I was at my daughter's school for some function or another. A little girl spotted me, and turned to another kid and said "Ewww, that lady is ugly". Well, my youngest daughter overheard her. One of my daughter's friends defended me to her, saying that I had cancer (sweet of her to do that). But, I'm sure it was tough for my daughter to hear. Now, I wouldn't exactly call myself "ugly". But, I do realize that I look "odd", especially to a child. I usually get a kick out of the jaw-dropping or wide-eyed expressions of kids when they first catch a glimpse of me and my bald head. Kids are a trip! They are so honest, and don't understand the "politically correct" thing to do in situations. They are not afraid to call it like they see it, and I generally like that in people. I get a giggle when I am in a social setting, and there is a family with little kids (usually the kids around 2-4 years old are the best!), where the kids see me and yell loudly to their parents "HEY, THAT LADY DOESN'T HAVE ANY HAIR!" (they sometimes repeat this many times over)...to which the mortified parents try to shush the kids or swiftly escort them out of earshot, practically running away. This happened again to me yesterday in fact (in Target). But, before they kid got rushed away, I said to the parents "It's OK, I get that all the time", and then said to the kid "You're right, I don't have any hair...looks kinda silly huh?" and smiled. The kid nodded at me in agreement - and I walked away. That is an almost every day occurrence for me now (people looking at me strangely, staring, or the sad faces). I am pretty numb to it now. But sometimes, it does sting a bit. When kids of friends or family members are afraid of me...ouch. I remember fondly the days when I could walk by people almost being invisible, or when I turned heads because maybe I was looking pretty cute that day (or at least I thought I was ;) Vanity is a distant memory for me now. There are days that I really don't get a good look at myself in a mirror at all. I try to avoid mirrors actually. Sometimes, when I catch a glimpse - I don't even recognize myself. (I am NOT fishing for compliments here, people - really.) I get people who say I look good bald. Sure, for a bald woman, I am HOT! LOL. I don't so much buy it. OK, when I put some effort into it, I can look acceptable. But, certainly not like a "regular" person. I hear "You look good" (meaning "You look better than I thought you would look"). I look pretty good (for someone with cancer!). I am not pale (on most days), in fact - I have a blushed-like appearance for a couple of reasons. The steroids get my face flushed, my face has a rash of some sort on it from the chemo meds, I have hot flashes quite often too (as chemo has me in a menopause-like state). So, yeah - not pale. Plus, I have not lost weight on chemo , in fact I have gained a few - thanks steroids! I think many people have the impression that I would be skinnier/unhealthy looking, so when they see me and I look like I have color in my cheeks, and am not gaunt - they are pleasantly surprised. Hell, I guess I'll take it!
My hair is starting to grow a bit (verrrrrrrrrry slow, mind you). It is getting fuzzy on top, but really thin. I'll try to remember to take pictures of the hair growth as I go along. Here it was last week:
I've lost the majority of my eyelashes and eyebrows too, certainly making me look more like a "cancer patient", especially when I am not wearing makeup. Putting on mascara is laughable. I tried to draw on eyebrows, but that was not fun. I posted this on facebook:
The Good:
Since we last talked, I attended the Pink Party. I mentioned the Pink Party in a previous post. Basically, it's a Girls Night Out in order to benefit local breast cancer research, assistance for patients in the area, etc. The city where I live gets really festive! People go "all out" in their pink costumes/outfits. Although I have gone to the Pink Party every year with my friends, this year, the pink party meant so much more to me. I don't know if I will be able to convey the emotions I felt that day, how profound everything felt to me, or the energy and support in the air. My friend Joanie made a collage, and I think it sums things up pretty well.
"...excruciatingly sweet, unbearably precious. That's how life is, heaven and hell.
THIS collage picture is the best way I can describe the moment (thank you Todd ♥):
• Angela fighting through the routine, trying not to lose it/cry. Then her "I kicked A$$" smile at the end.
• Seeing my other Bestie, Suzanne, crying "the ugly cry" Others looking on with tears running down their faces.
... •Ang's little girls, Kendal and Zoe, looking to me for the next move, eyes wide, tender, so open, earnest and sweet. Their little girl arms in the "make a muscle" pose **"....fighter!!"**
•I am smiling and making goofy faces at them. My brain: *gotta keep it together*cry later *concentrate* what is the next move again??? *look! Ang is smiling for real!*we are gonna get thru this*
3 more chemo treatments, then Ang can recover. She's is not the same person. She is stronger.
FUBC!!
I think my Bestie is pretty amazing."
My friend Joanie has made up a flash mob for the past few years to spontaneously perform during the festivities. This year, she dedicated the flash mob to me. She asked me to choose a song, and I had heard the Christina Aguilera song "Fighter" on the radio prior to her asking me which song I would like for the flash mob. The song really struck a chord (ha!) with me...(brought me to tears actually). So, that was the first one that came to mind. Joanie made up the choreography, put it on youtube, practiced it in her Zumba classes. I went to watch the choreography a few weeks prior to the Pink Party, so that I could learn it. I got up in my living room, trying to follow along with her moves, while listening to the lyrics...and lost. it. I didn't know if I could do it. I thought, I HAVE to at least perform SOME of the song, I mean, she is doing this for ME. But I didn't want to turn into a blubbering mess in front of everyone either. I tried to watch and listen to the video a few times to see if I could muster up the strength to get through it without crying...nope. Joanie came over a couple days before the flash mob and asked the girlies (my 2 little girls), if they wanted to learn it. They did! She did it with them twice, and they were so stinkin cute! (Almost made me cry like an idiot though). Phew...this was going to be tough! I figured if I came in toward the end, that would probably be best (as I didn't think I had the strength to do the entire flash mob, and still be able to enjoy the rest of the Pink Party). Here is the flash mob: (you may have to click on the link below the pic)
In the video, you can see Joanie calling over my 2 little girls, and them joining her to do the dance. I and many other people watching cried as they watched. I think Suzy and I cried the hardest (you can see us in the video, standing off to the side, holding each other and crying). Watching one of my best friends, and my 2 little girls (who are fighting this battle right along with me!), and many people I care about (and some I don't even know!), dance, and look over at me as if they were doing it for me too (or someone else that they know/knew who had fought this same battle that I was currently going through)...it was more than I could take, sooooo touching. Joanie then called me over to join in the dance, and I wasn't sure if I could do it. You can hear the crowd begin to cheer when I walked out there. Phew, it was beautiful. I barely held it together out there, but I was so happy that I joined in. It was a moment I will always remember.
Walking around the Pink Party with my bald head, and having people stop me and tell me they were praying for me, or to wish me luck - and my little girls seeing all of the support I was getting from the people in this community...such a good feeling.
 |
| My girlies and I at the Pink Party |
More good:
About a month ago, I was waiting at the end of the day for pick-up at the front doors of my daughters' school (with the other parents), and among the mad rush of all the kids being released from their classrooms, a little boy (about age 7, I would guess?) caught my eye (or I should say I caught his eye). He smiled at me from about 50 feet away, walked a bit closer, and said "Hi!". I said hi in response. He walked right up to me (smiling the whole time), and said right to me "Beat the cancer!" I smiled and said thank you, I will!...and he continued smiling as he walked away. I regret not following that boy and telling his parents what a sweet boy they had (although I have a feeling they already knew). I get choked up thinking about that sweet boy even now. I wonder what his story was. Did cancer touch his little life already (maybe his Mom had cancer...)?
More good:
I made the front page of the local paper because of the Pink Party (a lousy pic of me, but still nice regardless). That is Diana that I am hugging (one of the head honchos at the Pink Party and also a breast cancer survivor), my friend Patty right behind me, and you can see the tops of my 2 little girls' heads there at the bottom. Here's the pic:
The next day, Adam (hubby) went to go buy a few of the papers at the local gas station. The guy behind the counter asked him why he was buying so many papers. He said because my wife is on the cover. The guy said, "which one?", Adam said "the bald one right here" and he pointed me out. The guys behind the counter wished me well. There was a lady behind my husband in line that day, and she overheard his conversation with the guy behind the counter. She said "hey, turn around", so hubby did. She said "I am going to hug you now", and then she did, and said "Give that to your wife for me, and tell her I'll be praying for her".
Adam came back to the car and told me what had happened. I had him wait so that I could see which lady had been so kind. Adam pointed her out a few minutes later when she walked out. I rolled down the window in the car and yelled to her "Hey, turn around!", and she did. I said "thanks", and she came over to me, leaned in the window gave me a big hug and a kiss on my cheek and told me that she would be praying for me. I thanked her again, and as I welled up with tears, we drove away.People are GOOD.
The Bad:
I haven't make a post in a while, as I haven't been feeling all that great. The last treatment (last Friday) hit me pretty hard. I usually start to feel better by the next Thursday, and great by Friday. Not this time, I felt worn down and flu-like the whole week, and then got another treatment yesterday. I am hoping I can hang in there for the next couple of weeks, as I only have 1 more treatment left!! That's right, NEXT FRIDAY IS MY LAST TREATMENT! Wow, that doesn't seem possible. This whole chemo thing has almost gotten to be a way of life for me now (sad, actually). I can't wait to get back to looking forward to Fridays again.
The plan after chemo (as far as this cancer stuff goes): I will still need to be getting infusions (in the form of an IV, using my chest port) every 3 weeks. The med I will be getting is called Herceptin. It is still technically a kind of chemo, but doesn't have some of the nasty side-effects of the ones I have been getting. Herceptin has risks, of course (mostly for my heart) and they will be monitoring me for that. I will be getting Herceptin infusions for a year. I plan to schedule my infusions on Thursdays, so that I can go directly after work (and not have to come in on Fridays anymore). Whooo Hooooo! After my year of Herceptin, (and as long as nothing else suspicious pops up/re-occurrence *shudders*), I will have surgery to remove my chest port.
I will also be starting a drug called Tamoxifen (because my cancer was Estrogen receptive), Tamoxifen is an Estrogen blocker (of sorts). It has its own side effects (mostly-menopause-like stuff). It comes in pill form, that I'll be taking daily.
The Ugly:
When you have cancer, other "lifey" stuff happens too. The world doesn't stop turning, just because things are more complicated for me these days. For instance, my oldest daughter broke her arm (rollerskating) last month. That has made things more complicated for the past month or so. Taking her to doctors appointments, helping her out more (as it was her right arm, and she is right handed), etc. - and Mama gets tired! Luckily my daughter had an awesome teacher that helped her out quite a bit at the end of the school year as well (she would dictate some assignments to her at school, and she was very understanding with what was going on at home with me, etc.) I have felt like such a slacker Mom this year! Thanks Mrs. Nelson! A shout out to Mrs.Van Blaricum too!, as I am sure I must have been slacking with my involvement in my other daughter's class as well.
Most-recently, my Dad was in a car accident (someone ran a red light and hit him). He totalled his car, had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, and I got the dreaded call from my hubby, as I was walking out of work this past Wednesday. He is FINE. But, at the time, all I knew as I walked out of work was that he said he couldn't move, and he was bleeding, and his car was totalled. Luckily, he was just in shock at the scene of the accident. He was a bit bruised and sore afterwards, but luckily - going to be fine. I was pretty shaken up on my way to my car on Wednesday, driving from my work straight to the hospital, not knowing if he was going to be OK. I picked him up, and took him home with me for the night so I could keep an eye on him. I took the day off of work the next day as well, and drove him to get a rental car. The following day - back to chemo!
Speaking of "ugly"...I wanted to mention something, as I am trying to be honest about this WHOLE cancer experience for you all. About a month ago, I was at my daughter's school for some function or another. A little girl spotted me, and turned to another kid and said "Ewww, that lady is ugly". Well, my youngest daughter overheard her. One of my daughter's friends defended me to her, saying that I had cancer (sweet of her to do that). But, I'm sure it was tough for my daughter to hear. Now, I wouldn't exactly call myself "ugly". But, I do realize that I look "odd", especially to a child. I usually get a kick out of the jaw-dropping or wide-eyed expressions of kids when they first catch a glimpse of me and my bald head. Kids are a trip! They are so honest, and don't understand the "politically correct" thing to do in situations. They are not afraid to call it like they see it, and I generally like that in people. I get a giggle when I am in a social setting, and there is a family with little kids (usually the kids around 2-4 years old are the best!), where the kids see me and yell loudly to their parents "HEY, THAT LADY DOESN'T HAVE ANY HAIR!" (they sometimes repeat this many times over)...to which the mortified parents try to shush the kids or swiftly escort them out of earshot, practically running away. This happened again to me yesterday in fact (in Target). But, before they kid got rushed away, I said to the parents "It's OK, I get that all the time", and then said to the kid "You're right, I don't have any hair...looks kinda silly huh?" and smiled. The kid nodded at me in agreement - and I walked away. That is an almost every day occurrence for me now (people looking at me strangely, staring, or the sad faces). I am pretty numb to it now. But sometimes, it does sting a bit. When kids of friends or family members are afraid of me...ouch. I remember fondly the days when I could walk by people almost being invisible, or when I turned heads because maybe I was looking pretty cute that day (or at least I thought I was ;) Vanity is a distant memory for me now. There are days that I really don't get a good look at myself in a mirror at all. I try to avoid mirrors actually. Sometimes, when I catch a glimpse - I don't even recognize myself. (I am NOT fishing for compliments here, people - really.) I get people who say I look good bald. Sure, for a bald woman, I am HOT! LOL. I don't so much buy it. OK, when I put some effort into it, I can look acceptable. But, certainly not like a "regular" person. I hear "You look good" (meaning "You look better than I thought you would look"). I look pretty good (for someone with cancer!). I am not pale (on most days), in fact - I have a blushed-like appearance for a couple of reasons. The steroids get my face flushed, my face has a rash of some sort on it from the chemo meds, I have hot flashes quite often too (as chemo has me in a menopause-like state). So, yeah - not pale. Plus, I have not lost weight on chemo , in fact I have gained a few - thanks steroids! I think many people have the impression that I would be skinnier/unhealthy looking, so when they see me and I look like I have color in my cheeks, and am not gaunt - they are pleasantly surprised. Hell, I guess I'll take it!
My hair is starting to grow a bit (verrrrrrrrrry slow, mind you). It is getting fuzzy on top, but really thin. I'll try to remember to take pictures of the hair growth as I go along. Here it was last week:
I've lost the majority of my eyelashes and eyebrows too, certainly making me look more like a "cancer patient", especially when I am not wearing makeup. Putting on mascara is laughable. I tried to draw on eyebrows, but that was not fun. I posted this on facebook:
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| How I feel when I try to draw on eyebrows^ |
Monday, June 10, 2013
Good days, bad days.
I had my last chemo treatment on Friday. As you may remember (or maybe not, hell - I can barely remember my own schedule, I certainly don't expect you guys to remember mine too!), I go to chemo EVERY Friday now (and will for at least the next 4 weeks). Boy, I can't wait to look forward to Fridays again...
Today (Monday) is the day when the effects of the chemo really start to hit me. I have good days, usually toward the end of the week (the further I get from my chemo days, as the poisons are flushing out of my system I suppose at that point). Thursdays and just before chemo on Friday I am feeling my best (wouldn'tyaknowit?!?) and then BAM, another treatment, and the cycle starts all over again. (Can I get off this ride now?!?)
Today, is a bad day (but - not as bad as the Monday after my first Taxol!). I am feeling like I have a touch of the flu (body aches, super tired). You can usually tell when it's a bad day, because I very well may be wearing the clothes I slept in (2 days ago) - go ahead and judge. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror (at around 8pm last night), which may have been the first time in 2 days that I looked in the mirror, by the way - and noticed that I had what must have been a coffee stain on my shirt, and didn't even have the energy or care to change my shirt for bed. I can't even be sure the coffee was from yesterday morning's coffee! Yep, still wearing that shirt as I type.
*update - upon closer inspection, the "coffee stain" was not, in fact coffee, but blood. Much better, right?? I get bloody noses pretty much every day, some more intense then others. I'm a hot mess.
I have not bothered to try and look presentable (no makeup - which, for someone going through chemo, REALLY makes me look like a "patient"). Remarkably, I did brush my teeth this morning! (It's time to celebrate people). My children made their own lunch today (and mine too!), it was something edible involving crackers, string cheese and liverwurst, oh and kefir (it's a probiotic yogurt smoothie drink, for those of you wondering). Not a fruit or veggie in sight, but they will survive. In my defense I got up this morning and made French toast, bacon and mango...pretty much blew my wad for the day on that - LOL.
I have my friend Joanie coming over in a few minutes, so I am going to try and take a shower now - as I know if she saw me in this condition, she is going to be worried, and you don't want to see a worried Joanie - LOL. Wish me luck!
I'll try to update more later...
Breast cancer awareness. by Marina Bychkova.
Today (Monday) is the day when the effects of the chemo really start to hit me. I have good days, usually toward the end of the week (the further I get from my chemo days, as the poisons are flushing out of my system I suppose at that point). Thursdays and just before chemo on Friday I am feeling my best (wouldn'tyaknowit?!?) and then BAM, another treatment, and the cycle starts all over again. (Can I get off this ride now?!?)
Today, is a bad day (but - not as bad as the Monday after my first Taxol!). I am feeling like I have a touch of the flu (body aches, super tired). You can usually tell when it's a bad day, because I very well may be wearing the clothes I slept in (2 days ago) - go ahead and judge. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror (at around 8pm last night), which may have been the first time in 2 days that I looked in the mirror, by the way - and noticed that I had what must have been a coffee stain on my shirt, and didn't even have the energy or care to change my shirt for bed. I can't even be sure the coffee was from yesterday morning's coffee! Yep, still wearing that shirt as I type.
*update - upon closer inspection, the "coffee stain" was not, in fact coffee, but blood. Much better, right?? I get bloody noses pretty much every day, some more intense then others. I'm a hot mess.
I have not bothered to try and look presentable (no makeup - which, for someone going through chemo, REALLY makes me look like a "patient"). Remarkably, I did brush my teeth this morning! (It's time to celebrate people). My children made their own lunch today (and mine too!), it was something edible involving crackers, string cheese and liverwurst, oh and kefir (it's a probiotic yogurt smoothie drink, for those of you wondering). Not a fruit or veggie in sight, but they will survive. In my defense I got up this morning and made French toast, bacon and mango...pretty much blew my wad for the day on that - LOL.
I have my friend Joanie coming over in a few minutes, so I am going to try and take a shower now - as I know if she saw me in this condition, she is going to be worried, and you don't want to see a worried Joanie - LOL. Wish me luck!
I'll try to update more later...
Breast cancer awareness. by Marina Bychkova.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Alright, Mo...I take it back.
*I am updating the blog today from my chair in the chemo room. I am currently under the influence of an assortment of drugs...therefore I declare that nothing I say can be used against me (at least for the next few hours)...Let the fun begin! :)
Quite a bit has happened since we last chatted. Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I have been feeling pretty good lately (well, good for a cancer patient ;), and still pretty tired (it doesn't take much to get me pooped out) - it's pretty pathetic actually.
SO, update: My oncologist (well, more like my NP - as I speak with her on a pretty regular basis, especially since my body didn't seem to be tolerating the latest round of chemo (dose-dense Taxol) very well, she decided to cut my dose for Taxol (so I am getting more treatments with a less concentrated dose). Instead of going every other week for 4 treatments total, I was now going to have chemo EVERY week for 9 additional treatments (since I already had one of the full dose treatments, I only needed 9 additional treatments (I would have been getting 12 treatments total of Taxol if I had started at the beginning with the smaller dosage). I believe the main side effect that my NP was worried about was the peripheral neuropathy (numbness/tingling in my fingertips). I knew that that particular side effect was possible, but the neuropathy (if it presents its self) usually doesn't pop up until a few of the treatments are under my belt. Since it happened so soon after my first treatment that was concerning (and they felt that it was probably only going to get worse if they continued with the full dose). I had a great deal of pain after that first full dose (if you read my previous blog entry I talk about it). There is a chance that my neuropathy could be permanent, only time will tell.
In case you're wondering why I titled this blog entry the way that I did, I figured I'd explain. I got to thinking about Mo... I've decided that he gets a bad wrap. It's the cancer that's the bad guy, Mo is there to kill the cancer. He's the GOOD guy. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
(I am picturing Mo as a great big guy, pulling up to my house on a motorcycle, covered in tattoos, asking my Dad to take 16 year old me out on a date - and I have to defend him. "But DAAAAAAAAD, he's really a good guy!")
In Mo's defense, he has been much more gentleman-like these last couple of treatments (since the dosage has been cut), so I'd say that my NP/oncologist made the right decision (even though I am still bummed that I have to have chemo EVERY week, and will have to go for treatments a least a month longer that I had originally intended). I'll take that, over lots of pain, and additional (and perhaps permanent) peripheral neuropathy.
I can't remember if I mentioned another nifty little side effect of chemo (irony at its finest - Ha!):
CHEMO BRAIN. Yes, this is a real thing. Some times, I feel like I am losing my mind. I am more forgetful, for sure. Things just seem a bit foggy, and I have to concentrate much harder to do ordinary things these days. I usually consider myself a pretty "with it" chick. Not so much since chemo. I can see how people who have done a lot of drugs in their lives must feel. I'm like an aging rock star, who can't remember the lyrics to their most popular songs. (Mo is really a good guy, Mo is really a good guy, Mo is really a good guy!).
Quite a bit has happened since we last chatted. Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I have been feeling pretty good lately (well, good for a cancer patient ;), and still pretty tired (it doesn't take much to get me pooped out) - it's pretty pathetic actually.
SO, update: My oncologist (well, more like my NP - as I speak with her on a pretty regular basis, especially since my body didn't seem to be tolerating the latest round of chemo (dose-dense Taxol) very well, she decided to cut my dose for Taxol (so I am getting more treatments with a less concentrated dose). Instead of going every other week for 4 treatments total, I was now going to have chemo EVERY week for 9 additional treatments (since I already had one of the full dose treatments, I only needed 9 additional treatments (I would have been getting 12 treatments total of Taxol if I had started at the beginning with the smaller dosage). I believe the main side effect that my NP was worried about was the peripheral neuropathy (numbness/tingling in my fingertips). I knew that that particular side effect was possible, but the neuropathy (if it presents its self) usually doesn't pop up until a few of the treatments are under my belt. Since it happened so soon after my first treatment that was concerning (and they felt that it was probably only going to get worse if they continued with the full dose). I had a great deal of pain after that first full dose (if you read my previous blog entry I talk about it). There is a chance that my neuropathy could be permanent, only time will tell.
In case you're wondering why I titled this blog entry the way that I did, I figured I'd explain. I got to thinking about Mo... I've decided that he gets a bad wrap. It's the cancer that's the bad guy, Mo is there to kill the cancer. He's the GOOD guy. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
(I am picturing Mo as a great big guy, pulling up to my house on a motorcycle, covered in tattoos, asking my Dad to take 16 year old me out on a date - and I have to defend him. "But DAAAAAAAAD, he's really a good guy!")
In Mo's defense, he has been much more gentleman-like these last couple of treatments (since the dosage has been cut), so I'd say that my NP/oncologist made the right decision (even though I am still bummed that I have to have chemo EVERY week, and will have to go for treatments a least a month longer that I had originally intended). I'll take that, over lots of pain, and additional (and perhaps permanent) peripheral neuropathy.
I can't remember if I mentioned another nifty little side effect of chemo (irony at its finest - Ha!):
CHEMO BRAIN. Yes, this is a real thing. Some times, I feel like I am losing my mind. I am more forgetful, for sure. Things just seem a bit foggy, and I have to concentrate much harder to do ordinary things these days. I usually consider myself a pretty "with it" chick. Not so much since chemo. I can see how people who have done a lot of drugs in their lives must feel. I'm like an aging rock star, who can't remember the lyrics to their most popular songs. (Mo is really a good guy, Mo is really a good guy, Mo is really a good guy!).
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