The day my life changed...

To preface my blog, I need to warn you. If you are embarrassed by words like "breast" or the occasional swear word, or are offended by off-color humor or sarcasm...this is not the blog for you! Walk away now. Go ahead...I won't even know.

Before I get to "the day my life changed" part, I feel like I should go back in time a bit...

People have asked me how long ago I felt the "lump". Welp....that is hard to say exactly. I am guessing it was around 9(ish) months ago. When I first discovered "it", I didn't realize that "it" was something that I needed to be concerned about. I thought it was normal breast tissue. Really! You see, when I was younger I had pretty dense breasts (that's fancy talk for firm and relatively lumpy :) Well, the babies that I nursed for about a year each, took care of that! Don't get me wrong, I would not change that for the world (I even miss that sometimes...), but they did a number on my boobs for a while. They are much more presentable now (thankyouverymuch), but it took a while for them to not look like someone took the air out of them (at least to me).

Sooooooo, like I was saying...about 9 months ago I felt something a bit different in my left breast. It felt reminiscent of how they felt prior to nursing kids, but just in one area. So naturally I was excited! (What, a lump wouldn't get you excited?) Well, I was. I was, in fact, hoping the rest of the breast and other side would catch up too!

A few months later, and I started thinking "uh oh...maybe something is wrong". But not SO concerned that I made an appt with a Dr. One day, I was getting ready to get in the shower, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I saw a dimple on the side of my breast. I got that "uh oh" feeling again...

I was avoiding going to the doctor for a couple of reasons. Partly, I was probably in denial. Also, I had (within the past couple of years) had a bit of radiation due to having stomach issues of unknown origin (getting scanned for that) - more on that later... and breaking my arm (x-rays). I wanted to avoid getting a mammogram (meaning more radiation). So, I had heard about thermography. It's a kind of specialized picture that is supposed to show the heat distribution of the tissues in your breasts. Supposedly, cancer cells are supposed to show up hotter than other cells. So, if this was true, I figured that if that lump was cancerous, it would light up like a Christmas tree in the thermography images. So...I made an appt. (this was in July of this year). The results came back pretty inconclusive. It did show some increased estrogen activity (which pretty much said that I should keep an eye on it), but the "lump" DID NOT light up like a Christmas tree!! This gave me a false sense of security for a while. I am not saying bad things about thermography. I had heard good things about the test before I had it done myself, which was the reason I did it. I am sad that it was wrong for me though.

Even after the thermography results came back, I STILL did not feel right about it. I always had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. I kept dismissing those feelings thinking that I was probably overreacting. Until...about a week and a half ago.

That's when I read my friend Briana's blog. (you can find her blog here: http://kickbreastcancer.blogspot.com You see, Briana had been diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago and was blogging about her journey as well. I read the post where she described when she first discovered her "lump". A deep, awful feeling came over me when I read her words. She described her lump as a "knot" and mentioned that it felt just like a blocked milk duct. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I WOULD HAVE DESCRIBED MY LUMP. Not hard like a rock, or a pebble, etc. (that is always what I thought a "lump" should feel like). Until I read her blog, I kept doubting that little voice inside my head that kept telling me that something was wrong. Don't doubt your inner voice!!! Immediately after I read that post on her blog, I made an appt with an OB/GYN.

11/27/12 -Tuesday, The day my life changed...

I went in and saw the OB/GYN (she was wonderful, by the way). I work at a hospital, so it was easy to be able to zip off to another part of the hospital, go to the appt. and then work immediately afterwards. The OB/GYN asked me a bunch of background info...(how long I felt the lump, family history, etc.) Then, she did the exam. She felt the lump too. She said "you are not crazy, there is something there...and I don't think it is a cyst". Gulp. In my head I was thinking "yeah, that's what I thought too". Her office set me up with an appt. with radiology a week and a half later. I couldn't wait that long to find out. I went to the radiology appt. on my lunch hour (with the encouragement from my friend) and pleaded for them to put me on a waiting list for any cancellations, etc. The girl behind the desk was sweet and could obviously see that I was desperate. She called me later that day to say that she had an opening for 7:45 the next morning. I'll take it!

11/28/12 -Wednesday,  Radiology

I went in, put on the not-so-fancy and waaaaaay oversized gown, as requested. I had my friend Suzy with me that day, and I am so grateful that I did. My friend Briana (the one with the blog), said that she was alone when she heard the news that she had cancer, and I didn't want that to happen with me. Suzy works at the hospital with me, so she would sit with me, then zip off to see a patient and come back when she could. Suzy joked with me that she didn't know how I managed to find a way to make the hospital gown look cute. I have to admit, it did have a certain "wrap-dress" feel when I was done with it. ;) They took me back, and did the mammogram (s). Not the most fun I've ever had, but it was fine. They took quite a few "pics", then a few more. Then they had me wait in the waiting room. Suzy and I had lots of inappropriate humor going on in the waiting room. It was nice to have her there with me. I kept looking around at the other women in the waiting room, and wondering if they were going to be all alone and possibly getting some bad news today...
Then they called me back in for even more pics. (There I go with the "uh oh" feeling again). The radiology tech showed me some "calcifications" on the slide that the doc wanted to get a better look at. She had me in some of the most unflattering and uncomfortable yoga-esque poses I had ever been in before. She took me back out the the waiting room and said that they would be doing an ultrasound next. (They would have done that even if they didn't see anything concerning, so I was told). They called me back into another room. The radiologist came back and immediately started asking me about how long I had felt the lump, etc. I KNEW that something was really wrong at this point. I mean, why would she care about how long I felt the lump, if it was NOTHING. She (and the medical student) were both very serious and looking at me with puppy dog eyes - dead giveaway people! They tried to make small talk (something about Oprah, yadda yadda... I remember thinking WTF, get to the point already!) So, she had me lie down and did the ultrasound. She took lots of pics, and was telling talking to the medical student as she went along (teaching him about what cancer looks like, I suppose). She had me sit up, and then grabbed a piece of paper. OH NO...NOT THE PAPER!! She started drawing these little dots, saying. "You have these calcifications in your left breast and look like this" and then you have this other area kind of around those dots and it looks like this...unfortunately this is almost definitely a kind of cancer. (SCREEEEEEECH!) DUN DUN DUN!!!!!! ...and then things seem a little dream like from here on out.

She told me that I had, not one, but TWO cancers I most-likely had DCIS AND Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I immediately told the tech to go and get my friend in the waiting room. I cried a little bit, but stifled it so that I could take in what else she was saying. (I felt like I had been playing pin the tail on the donkey, just after someone spun me around and around...and then let me go...). My friend came in and I told her that it was "not good". I could see her well up with tears, but trying to stifle it on my behalf. She was rubbing my back and asking questions to the radiologist for me. I was stunned. Not completely shocked, mind you, but I was holding out hope that I was wrong. I kept hoping that this was all just a waste of time. The radiologist was awesome. She knew that I worked in the hospital, and told me that I could email her if I needed anything or had additional questions. She also said that she was going to try and get me in on Monday to see the oncology team. Usually people have to wait for the following week to see the oncology team, because I hadn't even had a biopsy yet, etc. They escorted me into another room where I met with a nurse, who went over some info, asked me if I had questions, etc. I could not think of ANYTHING. Suzy was there as well and asked a few, but I think she was in shock too. They scheduled me for a biopsy the very next day. The radiologist said that the biopsy wasn't necessarily to diagnose the cancer, but to help them in determining the best treatment. Ugh.

* A side note: The radiologist mentioned that if I was going to be doing any "googling" about cancer, I should only rely on the American Cancer Society page for now. Here is some general info on breast cancer: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancer/detailedguide/breast-cancer-what-is-breast-cancer

They told me I could go and get dressed. I walked around the corner where my clothes were, and broke down in one of the curtained-off dressing rooms. Suzy was in there with me, and cried with me for a minute. I felt bad loosing my cool, because I was directly in earshot of the other women (all wearing the infamous wrap dress, in the waiting room).  Then I got dressed and decided what to do next. I had previously planned to work the rest of the day. I went up to Suzy's office, my mind was spinning. I thought, if I worked that day, it would be a little more time that I could put off dealing with this nightmare. I could be in denial just a little while longer...
Suzy told me that there was no way that I was working that day, and in fact she didn't think she could even work the rest of the day after hearing news like that. My Dad and husband had both called me (a few times each) to see how the radiology appt. went, and I knew I needed to tell them something. I had my phone turned off while I was in the appt. I figured maybe I could work the rest of the day and then tell them when I got home. Suzy told me that she thought I should go home and tell my hubby before the kids got home from school (oh God...my kids...what was I going to say to my kids?). She was right. I called my Dad and said that I was having a biopsy the next day. I did not want to tell him until it was definite (from the biopsy results). OK, so I pretty much knew it was definite, but I wanted to wait until the last minute to talk to him. I knew he would take the news the hardest. My Dad had had a heart attack 2 yrs ago, so I was also worried about stressing him out.

Hubby had texted me a couple times, and I couldn't put him off any longer. I texted hubby and asked him if he was at home. He said no, but that he could be in 30 minutes. I told him I would meet him at home in about an hour. So, I am sure he knew what was up. He didn't call me, because I am sure he knew that it was bad news and that I wanted to tell him in person. I am a terrible liar, and I would not have been able to keep the news from him if he called.

I talked to my supervisor at work prior to me leaving. I told her the bad news, and that I needed to go home to tell my husband. She understood, and was very sympathetic to what I was going through (even hugged me, and I could see the sorrow in her eyes). I am very lucky to have a great boss.

I cried on and off on the way home, but tried to keep it together so that I didn't get into an accident while driving. I arrived home, walked in the door and fell into the arms of my husband, and we both cried together for a while. After we both calmed down, I called Suzy and she and a few other friends came over with wine and we drank, ate pizza rolls (it's the traditional food of breakdowns between my friends and I) and cried and talked for a few hours. I have the best friends ever.

11/29/12 -  Thursday, Biopsy

I arrived and put on the lovely "wrap-dress" again and they took me back in the room (the same room where I had the ultrasound, and found out that I had cancer - but not "officially"). They asked a bunch more questions, then had me lie on the table propped on my side with my arm overhead. My arm was there for so long I could no longer feel it. The surgeon numbed the area with something topical, then gave me a few shots of lidocaine, made a small incision and then took a bunch of samples (I'd guess 5-6?) the sound that the gadget made when it took a sample sounded like a staple gun *shivers*). The nurses were wonderful. One of them gave me a hug before I left. They told me not to expect the results until next week. Wait - I was hoping for results tomorrow!

11/30/12 - Friday - results day.

I went to work today. I needed the distraction and the money! I mean, I knew I was going to be getting some whopper medical bills coming my way soon. I waited as long as I could, and had not heard anything about the results, and it was around 2:30pm. The waiting was killing me. Remember how the radiologist told me I could email her if I had any questions? Well, that is exactly what I did. She emailed me back pretty quickly and told me to call her. She read the results to me over the phone. It was confirmed. DCIS and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (but with "Lobular features") - BONUS! A half hour later, the doctor who was supposed to call me with the results, finally called.

I was in the office with one other OT (who was quietly doing her paperwork with her back to me). After I hung up the phone, I yelled "FUUUUCK!" I probably scared the crap out of her.

My coworker came over to console me, and I cried a bit. Then, I packed up my stuff and left. Right when I arrived at my car, someone called and told me that I had an appt to see the oncology team on Monday. The rest of that day is a blur. I do remember posting the "news" on facebook though. The outpouring of support that I received was wonderful. I struggled with the decision a bit (as to whether or not to be "public" with the news). I didn't want to seem as if I was attention-seeking, but I also didn't want to have to retell the story to everyone that I ran into either. I was also hoping that maybe by telling my story, I might be able to help someone else as well. Perhaps this blog will help someone else the way Briana's blog helped me. Thanks again Briana...you very well may have saved my life.

Telling my kids... (I have waited to write this part, because I turn into a blubbering mess when I talk about my kids and how this is going to affect them. I swear, I am like Pavlov's dog...except instead of ringing a bell, I talk about my kids...instead of salivating, I cry). Here goes nothin'...

 I came home from work that Friday, after the news was "official" and broke the news to my little girls when they got home from school. This had to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I want to be honest with them about what is going on (without making them scared). You see, they don't have the preconcieved notions about cancer that grown ups do (a very good thing!), but I didn't know what they may have heard about cancer prior to now. I don't ever want them to think about me dying, or that that is even a possibility. But, I know I cannot shield them from the saddness that they see me, their Dad and others going through from time to time. I want their lives to be carefree, and I don't want this ugly thing to affect them. I know that it will...and it absolutely kills me inside. I mean, my job is to protect my kids. To know that it is because of ME that they are hurting, well...it is awful. I can pull myself together most of the time. If/when you see me out and about, I am hoping that you would never know that I was dealing with this. I want my kids to see that even though I have cancer, I am still Mommy...and Mommy will be OK.

 

When I told them the news, Zoe (my 6 yr old) hugged me and started crying. Hard. Kendal (8 yr old), on the other hand, started smiling and strangely skipping around the house. Now, I know that when Kendal is really uncomfortable she smiles (she can't help it). But this looked weird. I actually had to go chase her down, ask her to stop skipping for a minute so that I could make sure that she heard what I was saying. She said that she heard me. I told her that she is allowed to handle this information any way that she wants and she didn't need to cry like her sister was doing. But I let her know that if she did want to cry, that was OK too. And if she had any questions for me, or wanted to talk to me about anything, that she could talk to me anytime. She agreed, and skipped away. Later in the evening, she did come out and ask a few questions. I don't remember all of them, just one. She asked me if I was going to die. I told her no, that I would be fine. I also said that I was probably going to be really sick though, and I might sleep a lot. I also will be going to the doctor's a lot more, and other people may have to babysit them more often when I am not feeling well or when I am at doctors appts. I talked about the medicine that they will give me will probably make me lose all of my hair. The next morning, we went out to breakfast. Towards the end of the meal, Kendal said that she had made a wish the night before and put it under her pillow. I asked her if she wouldn't mind showing me when we got home. After we got home, I asked her if she would show me her "wish", she started to do this weird mouth thing (where I could tell she was uncomfortable). I asked her if she wanted me to go and look under her pillow by myself instead, and she nodded. I went to her room, and under her pillow, this is what I found:

Breaks my heart. My sweet sweet girl. I hate that this is happening to them too. *Sigh*